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Citrine Rat Blog Entry |
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September 22, 2023, 12:00:18 AM 9/22/23: r/SketchDaily theme, "Free Draw Friday." This week's character from my anthro WWII storyline is Lance Corporal Citrine Rat. He bullies Reseda Rat throughout the story for some unexplained reason and has a generally poor attitude though his character needs to be developed somewhat. There's already a bit about him in Reseda's Tumblr entry, which is actually posted! (I'm dreadfully behind.) There'll be more about him later in my art Tumblr and Toyhou.se. Regarding his design, I didn't originally envision him this color, but it makes sense. He looks perpetually cranky. TUMBLR EDIT: Citrine features in Reseda's entry, here. His inexplicably hostile attitude toward Reseda is based partly on my own repeated experience with bullies both IRL and especially online; most of the times, I had no idea why these people targeted me, and it was just so frustrating never knowing, because how do you get a bully to stop when you don't even know what triggered them in the first place...? The only obvious things I can think of are that I'm an easy mark for effective bullying--I'm painfully sensitive, shy, and emotional--plus I react, which is of course what bullies want most. I still don't and will never understand the mindset that finds it ENJOYABLE to torment others so--I encountered the concept of online trolling early and often (I was aggressively harassed off of the first few forums I joined), and I will simply never get why anyone does it--but I think they like to target me in particular because I'm dramatic and provide them with what they want. And yeah...sometimes, "Just ignore them and they'll go away" does not work. I'm fairly certain one still pops up to passive-aggressively stalk me now and then, YEARS after I communicated with him exactly once (in an inoffensive manner, no less--I expressed mild criticism toward him exactly once as well, after he pulled a very manipulative online stunt which he himself admitted to, but this was in a comment to someone else and was merely along the lines of "I'm never going to trust him again"--that was apparently enough to earn years of harassment, impersonation attempts, being told to kill myself, etc.). I don't even fit the type of person he generally targets, which adds an extra level of frustration and makes me think, "Don't you have ANY other hobbies you can move on to...??" Reseda experiences this feeling, I'm sure, always wondering WTF is Citrine's problem with him in particular. I think Citrine, being one of the older Trench Rats, sees an inexperienced newbie who is sure to react to his jabs and that's a big reason why he does it. I could just run with this concept that there isn't always a reason behind things, sometimes an a-hole is just an a-hole, BUT!...when have you known me to just let potential background drama like that slide...? Citrine, alas, hasn't revealed his reasons to me yet. I can reveal what was GOING to be behind his behavior in the first reboot where he initially appeared, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to scrap the idea as too silly. Citrine, originally, was going to have experienced some sort of trauma when younger, which made him especially vulnerable to additional trauma in wartime; something especially bad was going to happen, and his personality was going to fracture. Yep--multiple personalities. I've already utilized this in other storylines--most notably the D Is For Damien/Minot spinoff series with characters such as Det. Max Kristeva, Jay Campion/Jason Rosedale, and Russell Whittaker--though there's also a hint of a more fantastic version of it in the Manitou Island series, with Geezhigo-Quae and the Red Swan (spoilers, I know, sorry!). I feel more comfortable doing it with those characters as it's developed organically in their background and relies on actual psychological principles regarding how the disorder develops in childhood. (Geezhigo-Quae is kind of an outlier here, but as I said, her story has a supernatural element.) Citrine...never really fit this template. His personality was supposed to split in adulthood, which, while I guess it COULD happen, is incredibly outside the norm based on everything I've read. One could argue that his adult experience is merely a continuation of his childhood one, a final break in something that was already fractured, but it just seems way too contrived and unbelievable to me...and also far too much like a shoehorned-in plot device. While I won't rule out trauma in Citrine's past (in almost all of my characters' pasts, honestly), I'm almost certainly ruling out DID. I also don't think Citrine is just being an a-hole for being an a-hole's sake--he gets along fine with many others, and while I wouldn't call him nice or good natured, he mostly behaves. (This, too, has been my experience with many bullies: They're complete wretches to me, yet okay or even popular with others--another fact that makes me wonder, why me, what did I do, why am I so worthy of contempt? One of my lesser school bullies died in an accident and everyone publicly had nothing but praise for how kind and funny he was, what a great guy, while privately all I could think was, good thing I'm a nobody and no one wants my opinion, he was a total jerk to me! I guess nobody else ever saw that side of him.) It's just Reseda in particular who triggers him. And nope, it isn't Reseda being bi that triggers him, because he targets Reseda before Reseda himself even knows this. Just for some inexplicable reason, Reseda rubs him the wrong way and he feels compelled to act. I know I already said it's unlikely above, but there really is the possibility that Citrine's behavior simply has no concrete explanation, and even he doesn't know why Reseda irritates him so much. And that in itself could serve as a bigger plot device. I can imagine Reseda finally confronting Citrine, angrily demanding to know what his problem is, and Citrine shooting back, "You want to know what my problem is?--NOTHING! And my problem with you?--NONE! You exist. That's enough! Keep wasting your time trying to figure me out. You can't shove people in boxes! Not everything has a nice clean explanation! And the sooner you realize this, the better!" Now, a bigger plot device...how? Reseda spends a good deal of time trying to pigeonhole both himself and romantic interest Silver, attempting to figure out what exactly they both are and what they mean to each other. Silver fits no mold that Reseda knows of. Like Citrine, he advises the other Rat to just not think about it too hard, because he doesn't understand it, either. So in a way, Citrine's combative response to Reseda might help him understand that life isn't always so clear and people aren't always so easily labeled or explained. The same as he can't ever fully understand his and Silver's relationship, perhaps he never comes to understand the conflict he has with Citrine. Citrine's actions toward Reseda do kind of mellow out throughout the story--partly due to their experience being sent to assist in the medical ward as punishment--though I think he still has the same negative feelings, he just isn't so inclined to act on them. He even comments semi-civilly toward Reseda now and then, but I doubt the two ever settle all their differences, they merely learn to grudgingly tolerate each other. I suspect it always wears on Reseda to never understand or manage to set things right (not that he has anything to set right--this, too, I experienced myself when I once asked a guy who was being mean to me online what I'd done wrong and he himself admitted I hadn't done anything, he just didn't like me)--it niggles at him to leave things open ended--but at least they don't continue to get into knock-down-drag-out fights. ANECDOTE TIME. This is kind of reminiscent of a personal experience I had regarding three bullies of my own. When I was in junior high, I was placed in some sort of experimental "support group" for troubled students; to this day I don't fully understand how I ended up in it, or what all it was about, though it was an illuminating experience. Also included in this group were three male students with whom I'd had conflicts: Brian/Bryan (I can't remember the spelling), Josh, and Adam. Brian and Josh had actively taunted and mocked me (I remember Brian mocking my awkward walk--I have kind of a swayback, and he made fun of me once by prancing around and fluttering his hands with his butt sticking out, which I found humiliating as I've always been painfully ashamed of my appearance; I can't recall the specifics of what Josh made fun of, but he had an even meaner streak than Brian, who seemed to just find it amusing), whereas Adam didn't mock me like that, but would target me for pranklike behaviors, and would keep at it even if I repeatedly told him to stop, which to me was a sign of malice (e. g., in class he would keep putting his foot up on the metal book holder under my seat, which bothered me inordinately--maybe it was my OCD--and every time I nudged it off he'd put it back up, and he ignored my requests, then my demands for him to remove it--it got to the point where I'd literally be hitting his foot trying to force him to remove it yet he'd still refuse--it was pretty stupid behavior on both our parts, to be honest). Anyway, all four of us ended up in this group, meaning we'd all been identified as troubled students. The group was apparently experimental only, as I said, because it ran its course of a certain period of weeks, then just...ended. Was never renewed or restarted. Which frankly was a shame, because IMO it HAD helped, and I really could've benefited from therapy back then when my social anxiety was just starting to get disruptive. I don't know what the point of it was or why it was never continued--honestly, the whole episode is a weird mystery to me decades later, I wasn't a troublemaker, I got excellent grades and followed all the rules, I was just painfully shy and avoidant and sensitive and would burst into tears at the drop of a hat--who recommended I be placed here, with bullies and problem students, how, and why?--especially considering that authorities had no problem ignoring my issues all the years after that. Anyway though, by the group's end, my relationships with the three bullies had changed: 1. Brian stopped mocking me. We never became friends or anything, but he was friendly the few times we interacted; I even remember him complimenting me to somebody else (something like "Yeah, she's a really talented writer!"), which surprised me, because I figured all he'd ever noticed of me was that which he ridiculed. Turns out he'd seen good things, too. 2. Adam became friendly. Turns out he was a genuinely funny guy (a lot like Gold Rat) and had no spite toward me that I can recall. His annoying behavior that I'd mistaken for malice was probably just his juvenile attempts at jokes. He never repeated this behavior afterward, so I take it he understood how much it had truly bothered me. We were never friend-friends but all our following interactions were positive and we got along well. 3. And Josh...was still a jerk. I specifically recall us both being on a bus and he wanted to switch seats; he asked, but I, likely out of spite (and feeling quite smirky that I had something he wanted), declined his request. He asked a few more times, getting more and more rankled, yet I kept refusing. He finally just started calling me "b*tch"--first insultingly, then like it was my name--he said to someone else, "This b*tch won't switch seats with me!" then to my face: "Could I have your seat, B*tch? Please?" He said it so casually, in such a normal tone, like it was my name. That made the comment even worse, IMO, and of course I still refused. He got angry then, and started kicking/punching the back of my seat. I just ignored him, feeling quite smug for having pissed him off so. So, yeah...Josh and I never became friendly, we were both a-holes to each other. Two out of three ain't bad, I guess. There was ONE thing I noticed, though: Josh didn't actively target me so much anymore. He was still hostile when we did interact, but he didn't ever come seeking trouble; he mostly avoided me, and of course I avoided him. So, while the bad blood between us was never resolved like it was with Brian and Adam, still, something changed. We decided to just keep out of each other's way. (I believe he moved away not long after.) END ANECDOTE. I suspect that the dynamic between Citrine and Reseda plays out similarly. They never become friendly, but they don't keep getting into fights, either. They just learn to work together when they have to, and to otherwise give each other a wide berth. Citrine isn't a bad person, just difficult under the wrong conditions. I feel he may have a good deal of skills that are indispensable to the Rats, otherwise, why keep such an obstinate person around. He needs some significant character development--he has lots of potential to add to the plot--but as I said, he hasn't shared with me yet. Perhaps by the time I get to writing up his official profile, I'll know more. [Citrine Rat 2023 [Friday, September 22, 2023, 12:00:18 AM]] |