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Return To Manitou Island: Part 132 |
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Alike, Unalike CHAKENAPOK'S LAUGH RANG throughout the fiery cave as he stood over Charmian, who lay upon the floor unable to move. Her muscles had all gone loose, her limbs useless and her body ready to give out--when what he had just said registered in her brain, and her eyes shot open. What's wrong, Mainlander? Feeling weak, powerless, useless? Is your spirit full of hatred now? I imagine this is much how that demon felt when you imprisoned her--how she feels even now. Trapped, immobile, unable to do a single thing to help herself. More filled to overflowing with rage and spite and fury than she'd ever thought possible. The barrier between you two is thinner than you would like to believe, isn't it--? She sucked in a ragged breath of disbelief, feeling the hot air searing her lungs. The barrier--the barrier is thinner--! Remember where the barrier is thinnest! And when! This will help you more than you can know--! In a split second's time her mind turned somersaults of confusion. Wenonah's words to her, in her dream. And again in the Spirit Land. But--that had been referring to the barrier between the Spirit Land--and the dream realm--hadn't it? Or--to something similar--? But--she'd already followed through with all of those things--and while they had helped her, they certainly weren't helping her now. Chakenapok's laughter faded as her mind raced over this, her eyes blinking furiously. Is that what she meant--? She meant ME? Ocryana and ME--? The barrier between us--what does that even mean--? What was she trying to tell me and how does it help me now--?! Charmian? The voice cut through her consciousness, even though it was very small and faraway. She gasped and her muscles tightened again though she still couldn't move. She threw out her mental net, seeking something, anything, yet couldn't sense anything other than Manabozho and his brothers, and Marten, and Moon Wolf, who still lay around her, unconscious. And Wenonah was dead and the Ogimah-Quae was part of Chibiabos now. Who then could it be--? Charmian, can you hear me--? Na...Nathalit...? She said the name without even thinking, and then it made sense. Her eyes grew wide when she at last recognized the small voice, and as soon as she did this, she could feel her, deep inside her head, just as Sikt Natha had once become part of her. Only she could tell that Nathalit was much deeper, still far away from her, like a small animal crawling its way up a long tunnel. She dug down deeper into her consciousness to try to reach her better and would have reached out to grab hold of her, if it had been physically possible. Nathalit! Is that you--? Charmian! She sensed a mental image of the Nathali, her pale Ocryxlike form and her large black eyes, and felt briefly like jumping for joy. I have been trying to reach you, Nathalit said, but I could not--you could not hear me, until now... Nathalit, what's going on--? Charmian asked, utterly bewildered. Where did you go--? I have been with you since before you came back, Nathalit said. I went to the mainland to find you--I remembered how you loved this place. But I could not take you from there--and I could not go back-- Chakenapok! He took over! Charmian took in a breath. I know! You wouldn't've been safe here! You were the only one I felt safe with, Nathalit said, and she tilted her head. Charmian, what I needed to tell you--you could not hear me because you were blocking it out. Blocking--? The barrier! Charmian shut her eyes tight. Wenonah mentioned it! A thin barrier! She was the only one I could reach, Nathalit said. As she is dead, it was easier to reach her--but she could not communicate properly with you, either. I was vague with her, as I did not know who I could trust. What did she mean, Nathalit? About a barrier--? Did she--did she really mean between--between Ocryana and me--? Nathalit lowered her head slightly in what looked to be a nod, and Charmian felt her chest tighten. This is what was meant, she said. I am sorry I could not tell you clearer--but you see how difficult it was for you to believe, until you have experienced it for yourself. You have denied it. Denied it--? What have I denied? What's this barrier? How does it help me--? It helps you gain your strength to fight him. She turned her head and Charmian mentally did so as well, her eyes opening and shifting toward the cave wall. A hazy image faded into view and her eyes grew when she saw Ocryana, suspended in her nest of glowing bands, her eyes shut and her wings slumped. Charmian felt her skin go cold despite the fire burning in the cave. Ocryana again, she thought weakly. Why do I keep seeing her--? What does she have to do with this--? You have not been lied to, Nathalit said; then, when Charmian looked at her in confusion, her head lowered slightly. I made a mistake, the last time. I had thought that if we imprisoned her, things would be set right, and the Island would be safe. I had thought she could be imprisoned indefinitely. That she would merely sleep, and things would be well. But this is not the way it was. Charmian tensed. Chakenapok said she was still remembering things! Cursing me and feeling anger! This is so. Her body sleeps, as does her mind, but her memories do not, and neither does her hatred. The only thing I did was bury her and hope that she would no longer be a problem. She lifted her head to meet Charmian's eyes. You were not lied to. The Shadow Wolf told you the truth--when she was imprisoned, the Island was thrown out of balance, and because of this, he has now gained power. Balance...? Charmian's brow furrowed. You mean--all that stuff the Ogimah-Quae said--it was true--? When Nathalit nodded she blinked, bewildered. But--if we hadn't imprisoned her she would've destroyed the entire ISLAND! We were right in taking her power from her, and in subduing her, Nathalit said. And as we had little else we could do, we had to imprison her. But to leave her here, and hope for her hatred to simply fade away, was not the right thing to do for the Island. As strange as it may sound...the Island depends on her, just as much as it depends upon Ocryx. Merely letting her live, albeit while sleeping, is not enough. Just as there is order there must be chaos. We can't just let her LOOSE! Charmian protested. Nathalit shook her head. This was not the solution. She cannot stay down here forever. Yet at least for now...she must remain. Still... She met Charmian's eyes. Her power helps sustain the Island...and as long as it is fettered, the Island grows weaker. You yourself have seen its confusion. It forgets names, words, places...it forgets how things work. It fails to protect itself, and others more powerful take over. Her power helps protect it. But it is fettered now. What does this have to do with me--? Nathalit's dark eyes gleamed. You carry her power within you, she said, and Charmian's breath left her. I... She stared at the creature, her body suddenly numb. I...do...? A slight nod. Just as you are connected to Red Bird, you are connected to the demon. The three of you are as three sides of the same object. Red Bird's power has been set loose but it is not enough. When we imprisoned Ocryana within the earth, we removed that power, and now the Island is weak because of it. But--that's Ocryana's power! Not mine! The Flint did not lie to you either, Charmian. Charmian's voice vanished and all that she could do was stare. Nathalit tilted her head. He himself has already told you what you needed to know, but you have refused to heed it, she said softly. Charmian's eyes were as round as saucers. Cha...Chakenapok...? she said weakly. The creature nodded again. He told you that you and the demon are alike, she said. He was not lying when he told you this. Charmian took in another shaky breath and dug her fingernails into the floor. But--I'm NOT like her! I'm NOTHING like her--! As soon as she said it, the flare in her spirit stone came again; she grimaced and whimpered, trying to shove the feeling away, yet it lingered with her, deep and insidious. You feel it now, Nathalit murmured, earning her attention. This is the price you pay, for not believing. The more you deny it, the weaker you become. When you insist that you are nothing like the demon, you are rejecting the power that she gives you, and it makes you weak. The power SHE gives me--? Charmian struggled against the feeling. She's the same one who tried to KILL me! NUMEROUS times! So how come now you'd say that she's trying to HELP me--? She is not trying to help you. This sort of medicine knows no good, no bad, no right or wrong. It simply is. It is within all of us. And those of us who deny it, deny a great part of ourselves, and deny a great deal of power. She nodded toward Ocryana's figure. Look on her, and think over what the Flint has told you. Your anger--it rises and rises like fire. Your spirit throbs with the need for retribution. You rage against everything that stands in your way, even when you know you cannot win. You are dealt blow after blow, yet you shrug them off as if they are nothing. You attack blindly, without thinking, your heart is so full of fury. You let your mind be clouded by your emotions, and instinct takes over. You bring chaos to all around you, and do not care that you yourself may imperil the Island, as long as your goals are met. All of these things, she once did, and you now do. I...I do all of that...? Charmian's voice was weak, disbelieving...yet with a sickly feeling in her chest she saw the shred of truth in it. She's right...I have done those things...and more...I scared people...made them afraid of me...I let Chakenapok take over my spirit stone...just so I could get to the Spirit Land...I fought him off, when I knew it would make him stronger...I didn't think...all the times I forgot to think... "She is pissed off. I think I can use that. If she's angry enough, she won't know what she's doing..." She felt hot tears well up in her eyes. What do I do? she begged. I CAN'T be like Ocryana! If I'm like her, then I could destroy everything! I could make it even worse than it is NOW--! You deny your power still, Nathalit said, and Charmian winced at the ache in her breast. You cannot regain the power you lost from her by denying it. If you want to regain your power, you will have to accept it. Do not stop fearing it, but do not let your fear command what you do! This is what has been holding you back, what has been shielding you from the Island, all this time! You are so crippled with the fear of being like her that the Island no longer recognizes who you are! Rec--recognizes me--? Your fear is not your enemy... Do not be afraid of being afraid... Both of them--things that a voice, Wenonah's voice, had told her, below Croghan Water... I was the one blocking myself from the Island--? My fear--? Fear of being like Ocryana--? But--I'm really NOT like her...! "I'm not like her," she mumbled ever so softly, and Chakenapok halted in his step toward her, frowning slightly. Charmian! Nathalit exclaimed, and Charmian started when she realized that the voice had started to grow fainter; she struggled to keep her focus on it. This is not it! Nathalit warned her. You deny such a big part of who you are--such a part of your very self--? she asked. Then you turn your back upon yourself! You cannot hope to fight and win if you deny your own strength! Ocryana is evil! She did nothing but HURT the Island! How can I claim I'm LIKE that--? Simply possessing this capacity does not mean you will act on it, Charmian. It is as you were told--every one of us--every single one--possesses the light and the dark. For the most part we never see the dark but for in brief moments when we lose ourselves--when we strike someone in anger--when we destroy something we love out of rage--when we say a cruel word out of jealousy--when we act without thinking. As long as it is contained and controlled, our spirit stones shine purely and we never need see this side. But when we lose control--or deny that such power exists--all it does is weaken us, and gains in strength itself. It is just as the Flint said--you cannot bury such a thing forever, without it violently erupting to the surface! Your anger--do you not even see it by now? How she is part of you? Charmian shook her head, tears welling up. If I'm like her, she protested, then I'm just as bad as the bad guy! I'm JUST as bad as she was, as he is, as anyone! If I accept that, then it means that I could destroy the Island, too! Nathalit's eyes were unwavering. This is the very truth of it. You could very well destroy the Island. Charmian stared at her in disbelief. How could she think this was a good thing, that this made her strong...? I don't understand, she murmured, feeling Nathalit's presence fade. How can I protect the Island if I could end up destroying it? How does being weak make me strong against Chakenapok? How does this help me help the Island, and defeat him...? You are not the one to defeat him, Nathalit replied. This is for another to do. Yet what you yourself must learn to accept is the very thing that will defeat him. She paused. You are not the only one who has been denying the truth. Charmian opened her eyes and looked across the floor. Directly in her line of sight was Manabozho, still unconscious. She stared at him for a moment before her brow furrowed slightly. Manabozho...? Ocryana is the part of yourself that you wish did not exist, the part which makes you weak yet can also lend you strength, Nathalit said. And as she is to you, so is the Flint to the Rabbit. Charmian's chest hitched. CHAKENAPOK--? Her eyes flicked upward. She saw him looking at her, his hand aloft and flames dancing over his fingers; she realized that her entire conversation with Nathalit must have taken a matter of a split second, as he had not moved much since she had last seen him, and he had cocked his head at an angle with a suspicious look on his face. He didn't seem to notice that she saw him, and he started coming toward her again. Her thoughts raced. Ocryana is my enemy--my greatest enemy--she scared the SHIT out of me--! I locked her away when she tried to destroy everything--but she's trying to come back--and the Island's out of balance-- I act like her when I'm infuriated-- I'm weak when I deny her-- I'm strong when I accept her--? Chakenapok! He's Manabozho's enemy-- He was locked away-- When 'Bozho gets mad, he acts just like him-- He's weak against him now-- Does that mean he... She blinked. Nathalit! I accept Ocryana--I accept that I can be just like her--and I know that I can--and it helps me--? She won't destroy me--? She is still imprisoned and so far cannot hurt you, Nathalit said. But if you accept that her rage and fear are inside you, it will strengthen you and open your eyes. Remember how you found the way to the Borderlands--when you were angry and denying your weakness you could not find it. As soon as you admitted your anger, it was there for you to see. Only when you own up to your fears and weakness do you truly become strong. Do you mean that Manabozho has to do the SAME thing--? She eyed Chakenapok tensely and then squinched her eyes shut. She felt Nathalit stir. Chakenapok is everything that Manabozho and his brothers have tried to deny in their lives, she said. The longer they have denied him, the stronger he has become. Their hatred of him fuels him on. Their denial makes him stronger. If he had not been denied for so long, I doubt he would have become nearly as powerful as he has. As everyone denied him, he accepted the Wolf who came to take him over. If he had not been locked away, he would have shunned the Wolf. You yourself saw him. He did not kill Wenonah. But--he said he's been acting on his own! With Wabasso--and everything-- He tells you the truth. Yet he would have probably never become this way if he had not been denied his existence in the first place. When he was killed, and banished from the Spirit Road, he had nothing left to fight for but the Wolf and himself. You have seen how strong he is--Manabozho and his brothers deny a great deal of power by denying him! If they accept that they can be like him, they can defeat him--? I cannot guarantee an outcome, Mainlander, but this is the only chance they have. They cannot fight him and win. Like a Chinese finger trap, Charmian thought, chewing her lip. The more you fight against it, the stronger it traps you! Until you accept that you're trapped--and then you can break free! She took in a breath. Nathalit! How do I convince them--? You've seen how they act! They would never accept something like this! You are the only one who may do this, Nathalit said with a mental shrug. Perhaps, if you accept the part of you that is Ocryana, they will learn from your example. She paused. I have seen that the Rabbit looks up to you. Charmian blinked. He DOES--? She didn't get to think any further, as she noticed Chakenapok approaching, the flames over his fingers growing brighter, and she gasped. Nathalit! What do I do--? I have told you all I know, Nathalit said sadly. Everything else is up to you now. Her voice started to fade. I am sorry, Charmian. Sorry--? Charmian shut her eyes and ground her teeth, and the haze around her mind faded away as well, and time sped back up to normal, all of the noises and sensations of the cave returning. She cringed when she felt every single bruise and cut she'd been dealt, and the sound of Chakenapok's footsteps coming nearer filled her with dread. She heard him pause before her and peered up through one slitted eye to see him looking down at her with contempt in his own eyes. "You seem unusually tractable now, Mainlander," he said. "Rather a disappointment after that show you put on. I had rather hoped you would at least go out screaming..." He trailed off and turned his head to look toward the side of the cave and his mouth twitched. "Perhaps I shouldn't have killed off that Wendigo boy of yours so quickly...maybe then you would put up more of a fight..." Charmian's spirit stone flared, and she slowly raked her fingers against the stony floor. Marten... she called out weakly, even her mental voice grating. She heard the smallest scuffling noise, then opened her eye to see the Mikumwesu scrambling toward her, eyes wide. He halted before her and peered down into her face, his little nose nearly touching hers. "Charmian!" he whispered. "Are you okay--?" I need your help, Marten, Charmian said, careful to shield her thoughts--and her consciousness--from Chakenapok. I need you to wake up the others. Manabozho and his brothers. Marten's brow furrowed. "What about you--?" I'll keep Chakenapok busy. She saw his eyes grow even wider, and sensed that he was going to ask her if that was such a good idea, but he shut his mouth and bobbed his head, then turned and raced off toward Mudjikawiss, who was closest. Charmian squinched her eyes shut again and pressed her hand against the floor, straining her muscles. Chakenapok turned back to her and raised an eyebrow. "Oh. Trying again, I see?" he mused aloud; she gritted her teeth and managed to lift her head a few inches, drawing her other hand toward herself to try to push her torso up. He stood and watched her. "I must admit you have me terribly impressed, still moving after all of that. There is no other human who would be able to take such punishment." He tilted his head. "Might I be so bold as to ask what you plan on doing next--?" "Easy." Charmian's voice came out as thin as a spiderweb, and she at last managed to push herself up onto hands and knees, her head hanging and her breath coming fast and short. "Beating you." His mouth twisted up. "Still fixated on that old idea?" He waved his hand toward the wall and the image of Ocryana appeared, suspended in her nest of bands of light. "Might I remind you of a little something...? Since you insist on being such a pest, and since I have no need for this little speck of rock, I'm seriously considering setting her free after I am through with this. Who knows; perhaps I'll let you live long enough for her to finish you off." His eyes narrowed nastily. "I can tell you now that she would very much jump at the chance to do this." "Go ahead." He blinked when she spoke, and she started to force herself up onto her feet, swaying unsteadily. "I beat her before...I'll beat her again." He stared at her for a moment, then his eyes narrowed again. "Interesting bluff, Mainlander," he growled. "You almost had me fooled that you are not afraid of this creature anymore." "I am afraid," Charmian said, wincing and rubbing at her arm. "She scares me to death, and if you set her free, she'll beat the crap out of me, and she probably would destroy the Island. I'm terrified of her." Chakenapok clenched his fist. "Interesting tactic! If you think I'll back down on account of this 'reverse psychology' of yours, then you have another thing coming!" "I'm not bluffing." He started seething and held his hand out toward the demon. "Go right ahead and tempt me, Mainlander! I can easily change my plans and kill you off right now, without that Rabbit! Just say the word!" "Go right ahead." Charmian lifted her head and finally met his eyes, shadows forming under her own. "But you'll have a fight on your hands." He snorted. "As if you could continue fighting me! Take a look at yourself! You're practically dead on your feet!" "I'm still standing." From the corner of her eye she noticed Marten shaking Mudjikawiss's shoulder, then darting over toward the tunnel entrance to pat at Peepaukawiss's face. "And I'm hardly dead just yet." Chakenapok sneered, but there was no humor in his eyes. "You are dead as far as your strength is concerned! And aren't you forgetting something--?" He waved his hand and her spirit stone appeared, barely even glowing anymore, the black glutted it so. His mouth twisted. "Would you take a look at that--barely any spirit remaining! You think you can fight me without killing this very Island you're trying to save--?" "I might kill it," Charmian said. "Then again I might not. And I have more spirit than you know." She clenched her own fists and kept her eyes focused on his. "As for strength...I think I might be getting a second wind." His lip curled back and she sensed his disgust and confusion. "Second wind?" In response Charmian shut her eyes and lowered her head. She bit the inside of her mouth and concentrated as hard as she could. I don't know if this is going to work--but here goes! I am like her. I can be just like her. Every bad thing in myself is something that she's done. I've hated, I've raged, I've destroyed, I've threatened, I've acted without thinking. These are all things she's done. But she's still in there thinking of getting out. Even now she's not giving up. I'm not giving up either. I don't care how dark my spirit stone is. I said I'd fight to the end. This is it! She gave everything she had to try to destroy the Island. Now I'll give everything I have to protect it. I know I can be just like her now--I can do every single thing that she's done, if I choose. I choose not to--but I can still do it. Everything that is in her is a part of me... She had to repeat herself, as acceptance of such awful things wasn't coming easily; yet she found that the more she repeated it, the easier it became to accept, now that she could look back over all of her past actions on the Island and see that it was true. Every person she had yelled at--every threat she had made--everything she had done out of anger--every sarcastic word--every blow she'd dealt--everything that had frightened her beyond all reason--every time she had done something without even thinking--she made herself remember these, no matter how ashamed they made her feel, and as she remembered them she felt the strength in her limbs returning. It didn't feel quite the same as before--she felt her spirit stone flare, anger and fury welling up inside her--and at first she tried to fight them down, only to make herself stop and let them in, all sorts of other confused conflicting emotions joining them--frustration, terror, anxiety, guilt, shame, hatred, crowding in her spirit and making it throb but also strengthening her arms and legs and spreading throughout the rest of her. She made herself feel these things without turning them away, and the feeling was a very strange one, but not nearly as awful as she'd thought it would be--if anything, she found it curious that she had missed so much of herself. Her thoughts also flitted over those she knew, and she saw the exact same thing in all of them. Moon Wolf--he was like Snow Bear-- Mani can be like Mitchi Manitou-- Red Bird could be like Shadow Water once was, and Shadow Water can be like Red Bird-- Tal Natha can be like Ocryx-- Black Elk Horn could be like the Iroquois-- Thomas was just like Augwak-- Every single one of them can be just as bad as the other--and the others can be just as good as the first--but they choose not to be--this is what makes it different, what matters... They all had a choice... She took in a sharp breath, felt her spirit stone pounding--it shone in her chest, and she opened her eyes to see it, brilliant orangy-red, shifting nearly into purple, the black sliding across it like tectonic plates. Her heart was so filled with anger and fear that she could no longer even feel the bruises he'd dealt her. She lifted her head and met his eyes. "Chakenapok, you're not as strong as you thought you were." Chakenapok's eyes grew in disbelief. "Wh...what...?" he whispered; then, "What? You think to call me a weakling, little girl--?" He raised his hand and bared his teeth, flames flickering over his fingers. Charmian just continued staring at him. "You were strong, once," she said. "When you held off Malsum for a moment, and let me see you. Let me see what you really were. You're weak again. You don't even realize that the same thing that could make you stronger is the same thing that's going to beat you." He stared at her, mouth hanging open and flames burning forgotten. "What are you talking about, you little snake?" he whispered. "What is this thing?" Charmian held out her arm, hand gesturing, and took a step aside so that he could see behind her. Here lay Manabozho, Marten frantically tugging on his arm--and Chakenapok's voice left his throat. "That thing," Charmian said. "Manabozho's going to beat you." |