|
Mirjam Zweifel Blog Entry |
|
November 25, 2022, 4:05:13 AM 11/25/22: r/SketchDaily theme, "Gratitude/Free Draw Friday." (I did Free Draw Friday.) This week's character from my anthro WWII storyline is Mirjam Zweifel. I can't really go into detail about her here but there'll be more about her later in my art Tumblr and Toyhou.se. Regarding her design, she's a red and black Afghan hound. While choosing a dog breed for her (I originally intended to draw a different character today), that one popped into my head and seemed perfect for how I pictured her. Her hair bothers me--I have trouble with curls--and I drew her from scratch rather than using a previous character as a template, so her head shape is a bit off--but she'll do for now. TUMBLR EDIT: Mirjam's plot is a highly unpleasant one, so, trigger warning ahead of time. I don't know much about her past as she's not a main character, though not long before Reborn, she's gone into hiding with a group of other Jewish residents of the city; some are her extended family (she has no close family aside from an uncle and cousin, I think, who live in the country), some are strangers who've fallen in with them--they move furtively from place to place to avoid the Nazi forces who've taken over and after shutting down Jewish businesses and forcing them into ghettos, are now starting to round them up and send them to camps. For some reason, Mirjam's group has no contact with the Diamond Network, so that avenue of assistance isn't available to them. They scrape by until one day when a large group of Allgemeine-SS officers storm the house they're hiding in, taking a few prisoner but killing off most of them. They then find Mirjam and pull her out of hiding. Things rapidly go downhill from there, as they decide they're not interested in taking her prisoner OR outright killing her. I won't go into detail. Mirjam passes out eventually, but survives, and for some reason they leave her for dead without actually trying to kill her. She regains consciousness and although very weak and in a lot of pain, looks around the house for her companions, finding them all missing or dead. She knows she can't stay, though she's too hurt to flee anywhere else, so she has to spend a day or so there to recover enough to make her way out into the city. Still has to stay as out of sight as she can, sneaking into abandoned buildings and scrounging/stealing food when possible. Before too long, she realizes she's scrounging/stealing for two: She's pregnant. She has no idea what to do about this other than what she's already been doing, though her mind is in a very gloomy place. When she's spotted by a young woman in lipstick and eyeshadow (makeup is highly frowned upon by the Third Reich) she just huddles back in a corner, ready to fight her off if she has to, yet the woman reacts with shock and concern rather than trying to call the attention of authorities, and tries to coax her into following her to her residence so she can be cared for. Mirjam doesn't trust this stranger, but she's malnourished and exhausted, and very obviously showing by now, so continuing with things as they currently are isn't much of an option; she goes with the woman, who puts her coat over her and leads her to a building on a back street corner. It doesn't look like a residence; it looks almost like a store with big windows on the ground floor and apartments above. They go inside and to the left is a vestibule with desk, in the middle stairs leading up with a door-lined hallway beside them, and to the right, on display behind the windows, a sumptuously adorned parlor with plush furniture, garish wallpaper, and risqué artwork on the walls. A few women are relaxing within, also in makeup, high-cut skirts, and low-cut blouses, and suddenly Mirjam understands what sort of place this is. She doesn't get to think about this much, or even to judge, really--any port in a storm. The young woman leads her to the elderly woman in charge of the place, a prim-and-proper, rather severe-looking lady named Frau Bitterlich. Despite her looks and stern demeanor, she loves "her girls" and treats them well, allowing them to choose or reject (up to a point) which clients they feel most comfortable with, housing and keeping them well fed, having a doctor on call if necessary, and making sure they're always safe; appointments are always in-house and an hour at most, no clients staying any longer than that, no one giving any last names, and anyone who oversteps his bounds is ejected and never allowed back. Even the clients themselves--who come in off the street but then usually settle into an ongoing arrangement with a particular girl--are mostly well behaved and warned against getting too familiar. The upstairs level is where the women live when not working. Frau Bitterlich gets a look at Mirjam and instantly takes charge, getting her washed up, sitting her down for food and drink, calling the doctor to come check her out. He tends to her injuries, says that she's in pretty good shape despite all she's been through, recommends penicillin just in case and vitamins. She's assigned an apartment and a crib is brought in. The women bring cloth for diapers and stitch baby clothes, excited at the thought of having a baby around--they all intend to help care for it as long as it's with them. Mirjam gives birth to her daughter Gabriele above the brothel. Mirjam has dark skin, dark hair, dark eyes--Gabby is fair skinned, blond haired, blue eyed. Frau Bitterlich and the girls instantly realize what happened, but no one judges. Most surprised of all is Mirjam herself: While pregnant, she'd had mixed feelings of wanting to terminate it (not an option, in her situation), and of doing everything she could to protect it. When she gets her first look at Gabby, all she can think of is all those fair-skinned, blond-haired, blue-eyed men and how she has no idea which one is the father--filled with revulsion and dread, she wants the baby gone. But then Gabby looks at her, and Mirjam's heart melts. She realizes that while the mere sight of her own daughter will always bring back memories of that horrible day, she's still her daughter, she's all she has left, and Mirjam will do anything to keep her safe. Including taking a job with Frau Bitterlich--she also realizes she has no prospects otherwise. Frau Bitterlich guarantees her a place to live, regular meals, even care for Gabby now that Mirjam has decided to keep her. Yes, she'll need to service clients, but Mirjam believes she can handle this, considering what she already went through. Well, of course it's more complicated than that, and she has to work through some more feelings first, but she does get used to the job. It isn't pleasant or ideal, but it keeps them both safe. The clients are discreet and (mostly) respectful. There's even a hidden compartment under the stairs for Mirjam and Gabby to hide in when suspicious parties arrive. Most of Frau Bitterlich's girls are typical Aryans, so Mirjam stands out, and the men who stop by soon take notice. She's not everyone's cup of tea, but a few find her unusual and interesting. Her differentness is what attracts clients, but it also attracts unwanted attention; once or twice, Nazi officials show up to check out the rumors of a Jewish woman living on the premises. It's rather an open secret that the place is an illegal brothel although Frau Bitterlich is good at concealing everything overtly suspicious from the authorities--they know what's going on even if they can't prove it, and let it slide. Rumors of a Jewish prostitute are too much for them to ignore, but Mirjam and Gabby are somehow never anywhere to be seen when authorities arrive to look around, so that's all her presence remains, is a rumor. Then one day, an unusual client walks in off the street. New and obviously very ill at ease, he looks away from the curious women lounging in the parlor--rather than smile and flirt, they cast him furtive, uneasy looks--and instead approaches Frau Bitterlich at her desk, to book an appointment. He's very cagey regarding what he's there for, so Frau Bitterlich has to lead and coax it out of him. Turns out he's not there for sex. He wants merely to be tied down and beaten. No kissing, no touching, not even talking--just beaten, that's all. That's odd, but she's heard of stranger things. When she asks what sort of woman he's looking for, he seems confused that that's even an option--but upon further prompting makes it clear he's interested in someone who looks exactly like Mirjam. This is an even odder request, in these particular circumstances, than his previous one; but Frau Bitterlich just asks him to go wait in one of the rooms in the hallway and she'll send someone along. One of the other girls leads "Herr Jan," as they call him--first names only--to a room while Frau Bitterlich heads upstairs to fetch Mirjam, whom the girls didn't get the chance to tell to hide earlier. She has a potential new client--Frau Bitterlich thinks she'll handle him perfectly, and details his request. Mirjam is puzzled by it but leaves Gabby with one of the others and heads downstairs. From a storage closet she fetches some "props"--restraints, a riding crop, a stick, a towel. Then heads into the assigned room--and once within, freezes. Her new client, seated waiting, is wearing the uniform of an SS major--and he looks just as stunned as she is. Frau Bitterlich's place is set up so the appointment rooms lock when in use; there's a red light and buzzer inside that go off when the appointment time is almost up. You could argue this is dangerous for the girls inside the rooms, but it's meant more to protect the rest of the residents. Mirjam and Herr Jan stare at each other for a moment before she turns and starts beating on the door, calling for Frau Bitterlich in an increasing panic, but nobody overrides the lock. She turns back to the SS officer, who's standing up now; once he sees he has her attention, he says, "I can be discreet, if you can." And that's when she realizes that she's as much of a threat to him as he is to her: If an SS member is found in the company of a Jewish prostitute, he could end up executed just as easily as she could. They're under Frau Bitterlich's roof, so right now, Mirjam has the advantage. Mirjam and Herr Jan go through with their appointment. Mirjam has a strange reaction while beating him--she gets so caught up in rage that she nearly dissociates, and stops herself only when he finishes--she finds herself surprised by how much anger she's been pushing down. Still, it apparently suits Herr Jan's purpose just fine. He arranges with Frau Bitterlich afterward to make it an ongoing thing--he'll be in to see her every three weeks. However, another of Mirjam's clients passes along a rumor that an SS officer was seen visiting the brothel and they should expect a visit soon. When an SS car arrives, Mirjam and Gabby hide under the stairs (toddler Gabby has been well trained to keep quiet during such things, with Mirjam presenting it as a game). Frau Bitterlich invites the pair of Allgemeine-SS officers to search the place and they do; they express puzzlement at Mirjam's unoccupied room and baby crib, but Frau Bitterlich has explanations for everything--she denies their question if she's ever had a Jew in her employ, then they leave. When Herr Jan shows up for his next appointment, Frau Bitterlich tears into him for showing up in uniform, and orders him to disguise himself and be more discreet; he sulkily agrees. Mirjam is mortified that Frau Bitterlich would dare speak up to the SS like this, and tries to set things right when she goes to see Herr Jan. (These are excerpts from an adult WIP.) "Don't forget your props, dear." She made a face of her own and halted by the small storage room, opening the door and fetching the necessary items before returning her attention to Room Three. She let herself in and shut the door, hearing it click locked behind her, doing this with her eyes closed to try to prepare herself; when she opened her eyes again, he was sitting on the bed the same as the last time, though instead of looking surprised, he was furrowing his brow slightly at the look on her own face. He looked as if he wanted to ask what was wrong, yet didn't. "I'm sorry," Mirjam said; his perplexed look grew. "She doesn't mean to be so rude," she found herself almost babbling, suddenly desperate to keep him from getting angry. "Just that she worries. Your men paid us a visit and it worries her, is all. She means no disrespect." He opened his mouth but she plowed on before he could say anything. "She can get a little carried away but means no harm. You're always welcome to come by, I won't cancel the appointments. If--" "Those weren't my men," the Sturmbannführer interrupted, raising his voice; Mirjam abruptly stopped talking. "Those were Allgemeine-SS. I'm Totenkopfverbände." Noticing she wasn't talking anymore, he took a breath, let it out, and seemed to compose himself. "She's right, and I should be more circumspect from now on. I hadn't meant to cause trouble." He fell silent, though the peeved look returned to his face. Mirjam realized her heart was hammering in her throat, and took a steadying breath of her own; she hadn't even noticed how she'd suddenly equated him with not only the two men who'd searched the brothel, but those other men, so long ago. Why had she assumed those were his men...? She took another breath, let it out. Tried to relax somewhat. "I'm sorry. You know...I--" "Excuse me." She glanced at him and he gave her an odd look, half frank, half weary. "No talking...?" he said. "Bitte?" They have appointment number two--she gets carried away and cuts open his shoulder, but he refuses any medical attention. Mirjam is perplexed by all this and tries to ask him what he gets out of it, but his reaction is to angrily snap, "No talking!" He complains to Frau Bitterlich before he leaves, and she rebukes Mirjam and tells her to stick to giving Herr Jan what he asked for lest she lose him as a client. Mirjam promises no more questioning--frankly, she's surprised he didn't terminate their arrangement. He takes to wearing an overcoat and cap and using the other entrance so he doesn't draw attention, though another SS officer does appear once to ask Frau Bitterlich a few questions. (This is Lt. Gunter Hesse, acting on behalf of Allgemeine-SS intelligence, looking into the rumors of a Totenkopfverbände officer visiting the brothel. He already knows a lot more than he lets on.) While Mirjam's other regular (same guy as before) is visiting, lots of traffic and noise starts going by outside; he goes to look and reports back that the SS is planning a big event: a duel in the main square. Apparently, two SS members are going to fight each other over a matter of honor. This is highly unusual, so the SS has decided to monetize the event and invite the public to watch. (Tacky.) The day of the duel, another of Frau Bitterlich's girls begs to be allowed to go. Next scene slightly edited for content: Late that night their coworker returned, a little bit flushed--"I just had a couple of drinks, they were selling beers. I didn't go f**k anybody! Honest!"--and breathlessly described the event. "Ah goodness! It was amazing! Such pomp! Banners and torches everywhere, and drums, and all those men in their black uniforms, no wonder everyone is so impressed. Every space was packed! I swear the whole city was there. Was hard for me to find a good spot but this kind gentleman helped me up onto his shoulders... Oh, quit looking at me like that, Frau, I said I didn't f**k anybody and I meant it." "What was the duel about?" someone asked. "They didn't say. Something personal, some honor thing, I guess. Isn't that what men duel over? Anyway, it was a lieutenant and a major dueling. Ah goodness, they were good! They wore Stahlhelms and full uniforms and fought with swords. Here I was expecting them to just shoot each other. But swords! That was really something." "Who won? Who won? Was anyone hurt? Was anyone killed?" "Nein, no one was killed. Nothing too bad with injuries, I mean, they cut each other a few times, I'm sure. But I don't think they do these things to kill each other. I thought for sure the major was going to win. Looked just like it! He was the favorite, judging by the cheers. But the lieutenant knocked him down at the last minute. Shoved his sword at his throat. Could've run him through right there but didn't. That's how I know they do this just to fight and look good, not to kill. The lieutenant won the fight." "Wow!" "Wish I could've seen!" "Were they very handsome at all?" "Goodness, what a silly question, who cares what they looked like?" "Well, I'm curious! That's all." "I couldn't see their faces, I'm afraid. Too dark, too far away. They were both fit, that I could tell. The major a little bit taller, the lieutenant a little more muscular. I think he was older, too. A little slower on his feet but it sure didn't matter in the end, I think he had more experience. Oh!" Her eyes went wide and her hands flew to her mouth. "That's right, I forgot! They introduced them by name when they came out. I forget the lieutenant's name, sorry, but the other fellow, it stuck with me 'cause I thought it just seemed...well..." She peered toward Mirjam, who frowned a little. "They introduced the fellow as Major Jan Delbrück." Herr Jan--? Mirjam's throat tightened. Surely not. Jan was a common name, it made sense there were plenty of them in the SS. But how many Major Jans...? "Delbrück?" someone else echoed. "That's the name of the adjutant, isn't it? At the camp." "How would you know the adjutant's name, you ignorant tart? You just making s**t up now?" "Of course I'm not! You don't know his name? Common knowledge? Maybe you're the ignorant tart..." Mirjam barely heard the rest over the roar of blood in her ears. All camp SS, including the adjutant, were Totenkopfverbände. Same as Herr Jan. A Major Jan, from the labor camp...she couldn't convince herself there would be more than one of them, in a city with but one camp. "Why would Herr Jan get into a duel...?" she murmured when Frau Bitterlich drew close. "Why? That's none of our business why they do what they do. And how do you know he was even your Jan, dear? Surely there are others." "The same name? Rank? SS branch? You can't truly think that, can you, Frau Bitterlich? Besides, she said the other man dueling was a lieutenant." "So...?" "Remember that SS man who showed up here a while back to ask some questions? No, not the pair of them who searched the place, the one who was alone. The Obersturmführer. A lieutenant." "Mirjam dear, you're jumping at shadows. None of it's our business. And I really don't want you interrogating your client again the next time he arrives, so just forget the whole thing. It's not part of our world." The next time Herr Jan shows up, he has a bandage on his cheek--duel wounds in this location are so common they have their own name in German, the Schmiss. This is enough to prove to her that he was in fact the major at the duel. She tries to ask what happened, but he refuses to answer. What had occurred was Lt. Hesse and Maj. Delbrück ran into each other at the nightclub where Hesse's mistress sings, and...well, this scene, from a different WIP, is what occurred. (Note, Reinhardt is Delbrück's boss, the camp commandant; Azinger is Reinhardt's secretary/lover; Sophie is Hesse's mistress; Schulte is Hesse's right-hand man; Adelina is Addy Dobermann, a family friend of Hesse's; Cranz is the SS chauffeur; and Mengele, well, he's Mengele. Schulte is actually a Master Sergeant but that's klunky to type out. Kamerad (masculine) and Kameradin (feminine) are how SS members and official auxiliaries refer to each other (Cranz isn't an official auxiliary so they refer to him as Herr). Slight edits as before.) "You are all right, Boss...?" He looked up; Sgt. Schulte had paused with his fork in the air, frowning at him. "You don't seem to be enjoying Fräulein Sophie as much as you usually do," he said, and before he could stop it, if he'd even intended to, Maj. Delbrück snorted--actually snorted. Lt. Hesse stiffened and an irrational surge of anger flared through him; he refused to look at the Sturmbannführer or otherwise acknowledge the sound, and he could tell from everyone else's reactions that they hadn't noticed it. Schulte was the lone exception, his eyes shifting just slightly in Delbrück's direction and then back to Lt. Hesse. They darkened just a bit but he gave no other sign he'd heard, aside from a pointed look at Lt. Hesse, silently asking if he wished him to act. Lt. Hesse moved his head the tiniest fraction, a negative. Schulte relaxed a little. No one else at the table paid the slightest attention to the tense interaction. "I'm fine," Lt. Hesse replied quietly. "You know, you do look a bit tired," Reinhardt said, taking a bite of his steak. "If you'd been out a bit earlier maybe you could've caught a ride with Fräulein Adelina and Herr Cranz." Lt. Hesse blinked. "Adelina--? She was here?" "Ja, but just for a bit. We invited her to stay but she acted a bit under the weather too, much like you." Delbrück looked at him again but he paid no attention this time. Adelina had never said anything about wanting to come to the club, and now that he learned she'd been there, then abruptly left, he had an odd sinking feeling. "She headed back to the estate, then?" he asked, deciding to deal with that later; making sure she was safely home was more important. "Ja, Herr Cranz offered her a ride. He, ah, he's a rather creative driver but I'm sure she got home in one piece." "Too bad," Delbrück said; it was the first time he'd spoken, and both this, as well as the odd comment, made everyone, even Dr. Mengele, glance at him. "Too bad you were delayed joining us," he clarified. "I could've asked Herr Cranz to give you a ride home, too." A tiny part of Lt. Hesse's mind urged him to let that go, wait until the show was over and everyone had gone before bringing up what he was there to bring up, but that snort echoed elsewhere in his mind, overriding any desire for tact. He sat up straighter and set down his silverware. "Interesting you mention Herr Cranz, there are some things I wished to ask him, myself. Namely, what business he has chauffeuring the camp adjutant to and from a known house of prostitution." All the blood drained from Maj. Delbrück's face. Lt. Hesse had to fight the urge to smirk, that was so satisfying. The other four all turned their heads to look directly at him. Schulte and Reinhardt blinked. Azinger reddened. Dr. Mengele murmured, "Ohh, spicy," and took a sip of wine. Lt. Hesse and Delbrück stared at each other for a brief moment before the color started returning to his face and the look in his eyes grew positively hostile; still, he said nothing in response, and Hesse wondered just a tiny bit if his desire to gloat was premature. Most men would start denying things a little too vehemently, so when Delbrück did no such thing, Lt. Hesse wasn't sure how to proceed. "Ahm..." Lt. Col. Reinhardt took a drink of his own beer, cleared his throat. "I'm sure everybody finds different ways to unwind," he said hesitantly. "Ja...?" "J...ja!" Azinger exclaimed, sitting up straight. "Of course. I mean, I sure do." "I collect eyes," Dr. Mengele said, and shrugged. Schulte looked as if he wanted to agree, yet a withering glare from Lt. Hesse stopped him. "I suppose," Lt. Hesse said. "It's a bit more complicated, though, when your idea of unwinding is passing time with a Jewish whore." Silence at the table. Blank stares all around. All shifted in Delbrück's direction. Lt. Hesse saw it now, what had been missing before--actual fear, panic, behind his eyes. The satisfaction raised its spiteful little head in Hesse again, and he took a drink. "You have nothing to say, Kamerad Delbrück...?" he said. Delbrück said nothing, though the look in his eyes started shifting again, this time into outright hate. Lt. Hesse honestly hadn't wanted to make another enemy, but with that snort it seemed that ship had sailed. "I'm..." Reinhardt started, trailed off, then tried again, "From where did you get this information?" "If I named my sources, it'd rather do away with the whole point of my job," Lt. Hesse said. The commandant furrowed his brow. "Then how are we supposed to respond to such claims?" "You're in the SS just the same, you know how this works." "I wasn't aware we were here to rat out each other." "Generally we aren't. But generally we don't engage in such behaviors, either." "So basically, you have no proof," Delbrück said suddenly. "Just foolish rumors. I know your sort just loves trafficking in rumors, but you're taking it to a whole new level now, ja?" "I notice you aren't denying it," Lt. Hesse said. Delbrück abruptly pushed his chair back and stood, leaning over the table; Azinger popped to her feet a second after and put her hand on his arm. "I swear on my SS oath I've never f**ked any Jewish whore," Delbrück snapped. "That good enough proof for you? Or does it only count when it's one of you saying it?" "I'm sure that's decent," Reinhardt said, starting to look a little panicked himself. "It's easy to swear on an oath," Lt. Hesse said, "a lot harder to actually mean it." "Hey, now," Reinhardt said, and even Dr. Mengele raised his eyebrows a little and took another drink to avoid saying anything. Delbrück snorted again. "You'd know, wouldn't you? Because what I'm seeing, you're the only one turning on us." "I don't make accusations lightly. There are witnesses. They can swear oaths, too. There's a reason I should believe you over them--?" Delbrück swung and knocked the drink from Hesse's hand so it hit the floor and shattered. Sgt. Schulte stood and glowered. The murmur of chatter from the nearby tables ceased and the piano let out a discordant note before falling silent. Even worse, though, Lt. Hesse could no longer hear Sophie singing; a surreptitious glance toward the stage showed her staring toward their table, same as everyone else. He felt his ears burning. "And now I know you're just making s**t up," Delbrück snarled, "because nobody's ever seen me f**king some Jew whore. You want to investigate someone? Investigate whoever's feeding you lies and trying to sic you on your own. Might be a better place to start. Have you tried checking your own office?" "No one in my office has been accused of consorting with Jewish whores just yet," Lt. Hesse said. He just barely noticed how Lt. Col. Reinhardt and Dr. Mengele kept looking from one of them to the other, as if watching a tennis match. "You don't have to put up with this!" Azinger exclaimed, touching Delbrück's arm. "Mind your business, Kameradin!" Schulte scowled. "Gentlemen." They all turned their heads and Lt. Hesse felt his insides clench; Sophie stood there frowning at them all, everyone else in the club staring at them as well. "If you're going to continue with this," she said, "I'm going to have to ask you all to take it outside." "Bitte, Fräulein, everything is under control," Reinhardt hastily reassured her. "Just a small disagreement, ja--?" "You'd know something about consorting with whores, ja?" Delbrück said to Hesse, as if the commandant hadn't even spoken. He gestured at Sophie. "After all, what would you call her--?" Sophie stiffened, eyes widening and her own face blanching. Absolutely everyone else within sight--including everyone at the table, except Delbrück--reacted the same way. If anyone said anything or gasped, Lt. Hesse didn't hear it, not over the roar of blood suddenly in his ears. He shot to his feet, knocking his chair back; everyone but Delbrück flinched. Schulte put his hand on the grip of his dagger while Azinger grasped Delbrück's elbow harder, the two of them glaring at each other. Hesse leaned forward over the table just as the Sturmbannführer had. "Just try being as insolent to me as you are to everyone else," he hissed, his voice deadly low. "See how you handle it when someone actually fights back." Delbrück sneered. "You think you scare me, old man? I've shot plenty of people finer than you." "Enough!" Dr. Mengele scootched his chair back a bit when Lt. Col. Reinhardt stood now, holding up both hands, palms facing the two men as if to push them away from each other. "That's quite enough!" he snapped, glowering at one and then the other. "Whatever this is, the two of you can settle like civilized people, outside!" "The only 'settling' Old Man has in mind is tossing out whatever lies his office feeds him," Delbrück said. "And yet I don't see you doing too much to defend yourself," Lt. Hesse replied, "aside from throwing a tantrum like a child." There was just the tiniest half-second of a freeze before Delbrück snarled and grabbed at his belt. Everyone else reached for their guns only for Delbrück to jam something into the table; everyone looked down to see the black-handled dagger that still quivered, its blade engraved with the words Meine Ehre heißt Treue. "Duel," Delbrück barked. "Swords. You choose the time and the place." Lt. Hesse blinked. His first thought was how ridiculous this was, surely it was a joke, but there wasn't the slightest trace of amusement in the Sturmbannführer's eyes, and he didn't really have the time to think it over further, with everyone else looking on. He pulled his own Ehrendolch and jammed it into the tabletop. "One week from now, eight in the evening, the main square. If this is what you seriously want." He'd hoped, in the back of his mind, that the adjutant would back down, realizing how silly he was being--who challenged anyone to a duel, much less a sword duel, nowadays?--or maybe that the commandant would order him to back down. Instead, Delbrück pulled his dagger free--"Settled," he snapped--and shoved it back in its sheath, turning away from the table. Sophie stepped back as he stalked past, SS-Helfer Azinger casting a glance back before following. Lt. Hesse hesitated a moment before pulling his own dagger loose--he felt absolutely foolish, seeing the hole it left as he slid it back in its sheath and turned away from the table himself. Schulte stepped aside just as Sophie had, and fell into step just behind him; Hesse couldn't bring himself to look in Sophie's direction. The room was silent enough that as they walked away he heard Dr. Mengele say, "Well, that was entertaining." (Just one more quick note here to point out that Delbrück was being honest: At that point, he and Mirjam had never actually done the deed. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ) So anyway...Hesse and Delbrück dueled, Hesse won (just barely), afterward Delbrück spotted Sophie watching in the crowd and apologized for calling her a whore, while Hesse located Schulte and suggested they return to the Dobermann estate to see Dr. Schäfer as he was having a mild heart attack. Mirjam is unaware of all this drama, but Delbrück did it all for her: The duel challenge was a ploy to distract Hesse from his investigation--he couldn't really turn it down and hope to save face. Delbrück hadn't counted on him being as skilled a fighter as he is (I think he's around ten years Delbrück's senior, in his forties by now, yet Delbrück has never been in combat), but it ends up working anyway: Hesse drops his investigation of Delbrück since it's too much trouble and even Sophie is pissed off about the whole thing. (When Hesse tries to explain he accepted the challenge to defend her honor, she snaps, "Honor! You think I care about honor? Honor is something men made up to impress women!"--and when he tells her to lower her voice she slaps him, in front of Schulte and his secretary and boss and everyone else in the office. Ouch. She really is flattered, though...) Delbrück doesn't elucidate any of this, just wants to go through with his appointment. They do...except this time, for the first time, it doesn't work. Mirjam gets lost in her usual rage of beating the crap out of him when she hazily realizes he's yelling for her to stop; she does so, and he weakly gets up and says, "This isn't working." Mirjam starts to panic, offering him extra time, some sort of different acts, a refund even--he refuses them all and starts getting dressed. As she's standing there agonizing over what to do, Delbrück does something odd--he talks to her. (Slightly edited.) "You..." She flinched on so unexpectedly hearing him speak up, unprompted, and peered at him. He was buttoning his collar; he peered up at her as well. The shadows under his eyes looked like bruises. "You should head home, now. If I'm your last appointment. You needn't spend further time on me." "I just feel I should..." "This isn't your fault. Go on home." "I..." Mirjam rubbed her arms. "I actually am home, I live just upstairs, with my daughter." Herr Jan's fingers halted straightening his collar. He met her eyes, blinking and furrowing his brow. "You have a child?" Mirjam nearly felt her heart skip. Why, why had she said that--? Men didn't like that, they didn't want to know such things, they just wanted to f**k and leave, or cuddle for a while and imagine she was theirs alone--they didn't want to know she had a child, some other man's bastard, no less. That was one of the first rules she'd been taught when she started working there. Never, ever, ever mention your child, for that was the biggest thing that would shatter men's fantasies and make them look elsewhere for what they needed. ...The moment that child was born, the fantasy was shattered and they wanted nothing more to do with it. She opened her mouth, to say what, she had no idea, when the light flashed and the buzzer sounded. Both she and Herr Jan jumped a little, looked up at it, then he gave his head a small shake--his eyes went cold and flat, and she knew anything she said would be met with a clipped "No talking." He retrieved his coat and cap. "Ice...? For your back?" Mirjam offered. He slipped on his coat and buttoned it up. "Nein, danke." "I could ask for one more hour. A refund." "Nein. Danke." He leaves. Mirjam asks Frau Bitterlich if he canceled their ongoing arrangement--nope, it's still on. Yet when the time of Delbrück's next appointment arrives, he's a no-show. Mirjam is confused and, oddly, dismayed--it doesn't seem like him to not cancel ahead of time. She returns to her room to spend some time with Gabby, then brings her downstairs for a snack--and runs right into Delbrück, being led to their room. He's just late. They stare at each other so long that Gabby says, "Mama, who's he?" so Mirjam introduces her "friend" Herr Jan, and her daughter Gabriele. Delbrück says, "Hallo, Gabby," and even gets the tiniest smile when she says hello back. Mirjam hands Gabby off, fetches her props, and joins him in their designated room where he went to wait. He just stood and watched silently as she went to the chair and set down the kit and towel--she'd remembered to bring one this time, hoping he'd give her the chance to try something else if their standard activities failed again--and despite Frau Bitterlich's voice in her head warning her not to, she was ready to apologize again for the last time, when he quietly said, "Her father is SS, isn't he?" Mirjam froze, spine stiffening. The comment hadn't been spoken like a question, but more as an observation, requesting confirmation. More than that, though, was the fact that it had been spoken at all. She slowly, haltingly turned to look at him again. He met her eyes and didn't waver; she didn't know what to make of his expression. She didn't know what to make of his comment, either, but knew she could hardly pretend he hadn't spoken, when he was still obviously awaiting a reply. She stood straight, setting down the riding crop. "He is," she said. The look in his eyes shifted just slightly, again, though she couldn't tell what it meant, and he said nothing. "I don't know his name," she added. "He was one of several...I lost count around eight." The Sturmbannführer blinked. The look that flitted across his face was unmistakable this time, almost like he'd been punched; she'd spoken the words in the dim hopes of eliciting a response, any response, and there it was, and by now she hadn't expected it so it caught her by surprise. He turned away and went to sit on the bed, staring across the room but not directly focusing on anything. Mirjam picked the riding crop back up and fiddled with it since her hands needed something to do; she felt nervous now, and wished she hadn't said anything. "You...want to try the usual, first?" she ventured. "And we can always try something else, if you n--like," she added. Don't make the client angry, don't make the client self-conscious. "Does it not upset you?" She looked at him and he lifted his head to meet her eyes again. "Looking at her every day," he said, "and always being reminded." Mirjam twined the crop's leather loop around her finger. "I'll be truthful," she murmured, "sometimes when I look at her, that's what I see. But she's still mine. I still love her. She has nothing to do with what happened. And I don't know what I would do without her, now." Her response seemed to perplex him somewhat. "What if you'd had the choice? The choice not to have her. Not to be reminded every day. Would you have chosen differently?" "I'll be truthful still. At the time, I had such thoughts. Didn't think I could handle it, could handle her. But the choice wasn't in my hands. And the memory would still be there anyway. I think I would have still done the same." He looked across the room again, a slight, pensive furrow between his brows. "I suppose this is where we differ, then. I wouldn't have bothered." She had the vague sense that this was a rather offensive statement, yet for some reason it didn't offend her. Instead, her curiosity burned even more. "Like you said, it wasn't exactly a choice," she replied. Twisted the crop's strap around her fingers, and bit her lip a little. "Are...are we talking?" she ventured. He lifted his head again, gave her a puzzled look. Then comprehension replaced it, and he glanced at the opposite wall. "I suppose we are." The ice is finally broken. They introduce themselves--he expresses mild amusement over her last name, Zweifel, which means "doubt"--and they get to talking. Never do bother with their intended session, though he doesn't cancel their arrangement. When he leaves, Mirjam is careful not to mention their discussion to Frau Bitterlich lest she get irate; she isn't sure what to expect from future appointments, though she knows the situation has fundamentally changed, and the same rules as before no longer hold. They continue to meet, though for a while, all they do is talk. For obvious reasons, both are reluctant to say too much about their pasts, though eventually, and piecemeal, Mirjam learns Delbrück's reason for coming to see her in the first place; it's a theory she has to put together herself as he's not entirely willing to buy it. Prior to being promoted to camp adjutant, while serving under Ernst Dannecker (the previous commandant, and very nearly a psychopath), he volunteered for an especially unpleasant job; the local camp isn't an extermination camp, so it has no gas chambers, but prisoners do occasionally go through selections and some are killed. The easiest mode of extermination is firing squad--which in this case meant a group of guards just gunning everyone down at once. It was messy and it often resulted in a handful of prisoners surviving the initial attempt yet being grievously wounded. Dannecker decided somebody should deliver a coup de grace, or finishing shot, to the survivors, else he'd just shove them in the crematorium still alive. When he requested a volunteer, nobody wanted to do it--so Delbrück stepped forward before Dannecker could follow through on his threat. Delbrück accompanied the other guards and prisoners to the side yard, Dannecker watching, and after the firing squad did its job, moved in and killed the remaining prisoners with a single shot each. (This is the morbid basis of his insult to Hesse, "I've shot plenty of people finer than you.") Then just as Dannecker started congratulating him for a job well done, he threw up. But stuck with the job anyway, because, as he tells Mirjam, "No one else would do it." Mirjam suspects it has more to do with Dannecker's promise to just burn the prisoners alive if nobody volunteered--indicating that Delbrück's opinion of the prisoners doesn't align with the typical SS stance. His reaction in the following months--nightmares, insomnia, various attempts to distract himself such as drinking himself into a stupor--just backs up this theory. Why would he feel such guilt over the deaths of "subhumans"? She repeatedly presses him about why he joined the SS in the first place if he feels this way, and he can't think of any real answer; it was just something to do, that lots of other people were doing. She's not sure if this answer is truthful or not but it's the best he can offer. She offers the explanation that when the SS didn't meet his expectations, and he couldn't figure out how to deal with the pressure of his volunteer job (by the time Dannecker was killed in a prisoner escape Delbrück had already been shuttled off to a different job, handling files in the administration building, as Dannecker had deemed him unfit for a guard role for associating too much with the kapo, Schindel--Delbrück would often smoke cigarettes with him), he started seeking even riskier methods of distracting himself, which eventually led to where he is today: Requesting a Jewish woman to repeatedly beat him black and blue, as a sort of punishment. Delbrück isn't into psychology, so he's skeptical of this theory, though he doesn't have an explanation of his own. Though as Mirjam points out, just like drinking and the other escape methods he tried, now even this isn't working for him anymore, because the only thing that WILL help is directly confronting what he did. Delbrück is reluctant to go much further with it, and Mirjam doesn't push, knowing he'll have to deal with it in his own time. He's surprised that she's still willing to talk to him after this admission. Mirjam is rather surprised, too; she'd fully expected to hate him, yet she doesn't. He kisses her one day, and she doesn't push him away; they don't technically have sex though they do go a lot further than anything allowed in their arrangement, and it does eventually lead to the inevitable. Frau Bitterlich requires that clients always use protection in such circumstances, so she quickly learns that Mirjam and "Herr Jan" are violating their contract; arrangements are allowed to be modified, though it's something that's always sorted out with her, ahead of time. So yeah, she's rather disapproving of Mirjam sneaking behind her back on this, and wonders--not for the first time--if she made a mistake thinking she could handle such a client. Mirjam protests that she can, insisting Delbrück is merely a client the same as the others, and surely he'll agree to modify the contract if asked. She isn't positive about this, though, and worries that he'll refuse when Frau Bitterlich requests that he agree to the change, which also modifies the price. However, when Frau Bitterlich mildly rebukes him for breaking the contract, and asks if he'd prefer to modify it and pay more, or terminate it and go on his way, he indeed agrees to modify it--he'll continue to visit Mirjam. For a time, Delbrück becomes an odd addition to Frau Bitterlich's place of business; the other women grow to like him, and always greet "Herr Jan" when he visits. It becomes clear that on at least a few occasions, he helps steer unwanted attention away from the place, helping protect everyone there. Most of all, he gets along well with Gabriele, not minding keeping an eye on her for a few moments here and there, and Gabby likes "Herr Jan" as well; Mirjam asks if he'd be willing to take her out to visit the park for a day, as she's lived her entire life inside the brothel, and knows of the outside only through stories. Delbrück accepts, and spends several hours walking Gabby around the park, telling anyone who asks that she's the child of a friend, though one woman gushes, "You have such a lovely little daughter," and the comment hits him hard: Although he participated in the Lebensborn program and likely fathered a few children, he never got to meet them, and by now he's a staunch antinatalist, believing it's foolish and selfish to bring children into the world (yet another opinion that puts him at odds with the SS). Hearing Gabby referred to as his child, he wonders if the thought of being a father, having a family, is so repellent after all. He brings Gabby, tired yet happy, back to Mirjam, then returns alone to his bunk at the camp and mulls this over the rest of the night. Mirjam might be the one working and hiding away in a brothel just to survive, but he's the one who feels like his life is empty and meaningless--only his visits to Mirjam seem to have any point. He and Mirjam reach the same conclusion around the same time: Although they tried hard not to, and they know nothing can actually come of it, they've fallen in love with each other. Late in the war, it starts to become clear the Third Reich is struggling--they're running short of troops, especially to fend off the Red Army on the Eastern Front, and so they have to get creative. The SS-Totenkopfverbände (camp guards) and Waffen-SS (militarized troops) are closely affiliated, so guards from the labor camp are mustered to head off to the front while wounded Waffen-SS troops arrive to take their place in the camps. Delbrück is among those pressed into service, and it's a while before he returns. Strangely, he does so rather against his own wishes; Lt. Hesse spots him among the SS troops returning to the city with a great deal of pomp and celebration, and addresses him although the two of them dislike each other. Despite the celebratory nature of their return, the always observant Hesse has noticed something odd: The members of this particular group of returning troops aren't wounded nearly so badly to put them out of commission, plus they look especially gloomy and unsettled--everyone is celebrating but them. Hesse asks Delbrück what's up. Delbrück refuses to directly answer him at first, but then decides to lay open the truth: He and the others with him were deliberately called back by Nazi leadership to make a big show of returning to the city and boost civilian morale. Most of them are indeed still in good enough shape to keep fighting, and even volunteered to stay on the Eastern Front, yet were called back anyway. When Hesse says this means their position was effectively abandoned to the Soviets, Delbrück replies that's exactly what it means: Germany is losing the war, and they know it. While they're abandoning parts of the Eastern Front, they're sending children and women and old men to fight off Allied forces encroaching from the west; this, combined with the mock celebration and propaganda surrounding the SS troops' return, just proves how desperate the leadership has become to conceal the truth. The Soviets haven't gained much ground yet, but Delbrück insists it's just a matter of time before Germany falls, and it's too late to prevent it. He doesn't intend it, but this revelation has a harsh impact on Hesse--he completely bought in to the military leadership's claim that Germany was stabbed in the back from within and this was why they lost in the Great War, despite certain claims to the contrary; now, it's happening all over again, except this time Hesse sees the evidence with his own eyes. He doesn't want to believe that his entire life's purpose has been a lie, but that's certainly what it looks like: For the first time he has serious thoughts of leaving the SS. Delbrück resumes his job at the camp and his visits to Mirjam, but warns both her and Reinhardt, the commandant, that the current situation won't last much longer and they may need to take drastic action to protect themselves. It's difficult to believe until the word finally comes that Allied forces are approaching the city: the Americans from the west, the Red Army from the east. Which one will reach them first is anybody's guess, though the stories the Waffen-SS and Wehrmacht tell about the Red Army make everyone hope it's the Americans. A lot of people flee the city early; troops remain to protect the city and those who decide to stay, but when the armies finally reach them, it's every man for himself. Many of the German troops--especially the SS--bail out when the fighting gets too intense. Lt. Col. Reinhardt, who isn't in active military service, is in the city when enemy troops arrive, and is wounded; he manages to make it back to the camp, and dismisses those of his guards who haven't already fled. He goes into the administration building, gets on the PA system, and announces that he's turning off electricity to the fences and opening up the gate; he does so, then sits down on the floor, fatigued and in pain, to wait for the Allies to arrive. He's surprised when someone joins him--Isaak Schindel, the camp kapo. The two of them have formed an unusual relationship; Schindel was treated very poorly by the previous commandant, Dannecker, but Reinhardt has treated him quite well in comparison, so that Schindel hangs on every request he makes. (As I'll go over in Reinhardt's upcoming entry, this is definitely not an egalitarian friendship--although Reinhardt is oddly progressive, and certainly not cruel (he actually abhors the camp system and thinks expelling the Jews would have been better), he still believes in certain Nazi principles, and treats Schindel almost like a pet, assuming that Jews lack the same sort of intelligence the Aryans have. He's kind to Schindel, but it's in a pretty condescending way, like you'd treat a small dog or a favorite slave. When he meets Dr. Schäfer later on, and treats him the same way, he's struck dumb when Schäfer makes it clear how intelligent and well read he is--to Reinhardt, it's like seeing an animal speak.) Hearing him on the loudspeaker, Schindel ignored the other prisoners who chose to exit the camp if well enough, and tracked him down to the control room. He chooses to stay with Reinhardt as the Allies reach and seize the camp; fortunately for Reinhardt, it's the Americans, and once they sort out the initial confusion (they can't figure out why Schindel is there, so assume he's a guard in disguise), they take Reinhardt prisoner rather than outright kill him like the Red Army surely would have. The remaining prisoners are taken for food and medical attention; any guards the Allies come across are captured or, if they fight back, killed. Delbrück was smart, and got out early on, with Reinhardt's blessing (shortly before Reinhardt was wounded). The different branches of the SS are in complete chaos, many of them fleeing, a handful still defending the city, more of them just shooting and looting even their own people. Delbrück tries to make his way to Frau Bitterlich's place, but is having a hard time of it, until a loud honking catches his attention and the big black SS limousine appears. Behind the wheel is the chauffeur, Andreas Cranz, his sick mother with him; he's appropriated the SS limo and is on his way out of the city, and asks Delbrück if he'd like a ride. Delbrück asks to stop by the brothel first, and Cranz (who was the one to originally recommend the place to him, and drive him there and back) does so. Delbrück hops out of the car and heads inside to find Mirjam. Frau Bitterlich, Mirjam, and Gabriele are the only ones still there, the other girls having fled--Mirjam has nowhere near enough she can flee to, so has stayed with Frau Bitterlich for protection. They're surprised by Delbrück's arrival--even more surprised when he scoops up Gabby and grabs Mirjam's arm, pulling her after him. She's seen the other SS officers moving through the city and has no idea what he's doing, so she actually resists, trying to pull free and yelling for Frau Bitterlich; Delbrück ignores her protests, shoving her and Gabby in the waiting limo (Cranz and Frau Cranz are beyond confused) before getting in himself. Mirjam pounds on the window and keeps yelling for Frau Bitterlich to intervene; although she initially tried to stop Delbrück, Frau Bitterlich just stands there now, watching in dismay, and does nothing--she knows what Mirjam doesn't realize yet, that Delbrück is her best chance for survival. Delbrück orders Cranz to drive, and away they go, Mirjam watching Frau Bitterlich fade away in the rear window. Mirjam turns and sits down, picking up Gabby and huddling in on herself while Frau Cranz peers at her over the back of her seat. There's a very awkward moment of silence. Gabriele: "Mama, what's happening?" Mirjam: *looks at Delbrück* Cranz: "Guten Tag, ma'am, I'm Andreas Cranz, and this is my ma." Frau Cranz: "Hallo." Mirjam: "Mirjam...Mirjam Zweifel. My daughter, Gabriele." Gabby: "Hallo!" Frau Cranz: "Nice to meet you." So, now that everybody knows everyone else, they have to figure out a plan. Cranz's plan is simple: Get his mother and himself the hell out of there. Delbrück has no plan for himself, as he has no family or anywhere to go. Mirjam has an uncle and cousin who live in the country and have escaped any trouble with the Nazis; she's never been able to safely reach them. Delbrück requests Cranz to get them there and he vows to try, though the situation is tricky--the SS forces are still controlling certain access points in the city. His passengers are the difficult part: The SS will never allow Mirjam and Gabby to leave, while the Allies, if they come across them, will never allow Delbrück to leave. He and Delbrück head for the nearest SS-controlled checkpoint; Mirjam and Gabby crouch down on the floorboards and Delbrück covers them up while Cranz is questioned by the officers and he and his mother and Delbrück show their papers. They're lucky that the officers don't look too closely, though when a second checkpoint appears at their intended exit from the city, they know they likely won't be so lax this time. Cranz says they can take their chances the officers won't search the car, or he can drive straight through. Delbrück chooses the latter. "Hold on, then," Cranz says, and floors it. "Heads down! Grab on to whatever you can!" he yells as they get close, and everyone else squats down on the floorboards, grabbing the seat edges and covering their heads, Mirjam shielding Gabby with her body and Delbrück shielding her. The SS guards at the checkpoint start waving to flag Cranz down; then, realizing he isn't going to stop, they panic and jump out of the way as he plows through the barricade. "Keep down!" he orders, right before gunfire starts striking the back of the limo, shattering the window and making Gabby cry out. Everyone stays down with their heads covered as Cranz speeds out of the city and into the countryside; he doesn't slow down until the city and any other vehicles are well out of sight, then pulls to the side of the road to make sure everyone's all right--they're rattled, and Delbrück and Mirjam were scraped by flying glass, but no one is seriously hurt. He gets out a moment to look things over; the limo is crumpled in the front and shot to hell in the back: "It's all f**ked up, but it'll still go." He gets in and asks the location of Mirjam's uncle's farm, and pulls back onto the road to drive them there. Mirjam's cousin spots the janky black limo with the tattered SS and swastika flags coming up the drive, and hides nervously behind the window, not knowing why it could be there; her anxiety spikes when Delbrück gets out, but as soon as he helps out Mirjam and Gabby, she gasps and rushes outside. She throws her arms around Mirjam--they haven't seen each other in years, since before Mirjam and the others were attacked by the SS. Delbrück hands Gabby to Mirjam; "Where are you going to go--?" Mirjam asks, but all Delbrück says is, "Take care of her," and returns to the car. It pulls away, Delbrück glancing back at her through the shattered rear window, and once again Mirjam watches someone she knows fade away in the distance. (Cranz asks Delbrück where he'd like to go. He has nowhere, nobody to go to, so he requests to be dropped off alongside the road so Cranz and his mother can go on their way. "You sure?" Cranz asks with a frown; he is, so Cranz obliges, and Delbrück is left behind with nothing but the clothes on his back--his SS uniform, which makes him a target. He spots another farm in the distance and starts walking.) Mirjam's cousin and uncle are overjoyed to be reunited with her, though her own joy is dampened somewhat by her worry for Delbrück. She can't really explain this to her family, so keeps it to herself, agonizing privately over what will become of him; as the Allies finally assume control of the city, and the Third Reich falls, she knows that now the Nazis are the hunted ones, meaning that someone with zero connections, like Delbrück, stands little chance of survival. And this wears on her even as her old, safe life resumes, with her taking up working on her uncle's farm and raising Gabby in the country. They grow small crops which her uncle transports to another nearby city to sell to the people who are tired of the wartime rationing and looking forward to building things anew. Gabby at first asks what's become of Frau Bitterlich and her girls and Herr Jan, but after a while she seems to forget and moves on. Mirjam and her uncle drive the big truck into the city one day to deal with some business. On their way out, Mirjam spots somebody walking along the sidewalk; he's wearing civilian clothes, looks like a working-class fellow, but she could swear she recognizes him. She asks her uncle to stop and leans out of the truck door to hail the man; he looks at her, and there's no mistake: It's Delbrück. "Herr Jan...?" she calls out, anyway; after a surprised moment he relaxes and says sorry, no, his name is Bruno Lehmbruck. Mirjam apologizes, and shuts the door; she doesn't know yet all the details, how he's been living on the move and scraping together a living by taking odd jobs on the farms, but she knows the why: His sort are the ones in hiding and on the run now. She tells her uncle she made a mistake and they can go, to which he mutters, "Too bad it isn't who you thought it was, could always use an extra hand to help out." She tells him to stop the truck again, and he exclaims in annoyance but does so; again she leans out the door and "Herr Bruno" looks at her. She says that they have a spot for him, if he knows how to work on a farm. He stares at her a moment before saying, "I can learn," and climbs in the back of the truck. Once upon a time, Delbrück helped save her; now, she returns the favor. At the farm, Gabriele gives the new guest a curious look; Mirjam introduces him as her "friend," Herr Bruno. "Hallo, Gabby," Delbrück says, to which Gabby replies, "Hallo!" and Delbrück gets the tiniest smile. [Mirjam Zweifel 2022 [Friday, November 25, 2022, 4:05:13 AM]] |